Book Excerpt
Prologue
So this is what it’s like to be alone.
It was September 20, 2003, and I was sitting in an airport in Houston, dialing the numbers of friends I’d known for most of my life. They had seen me struggle, they had seen me in despair, and now they were talking me through one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
I was going to Iraq. Just a couple of days earlier, in a training camp for new Halliburton employees who were bound for Iraq and Afghanistan, I was given a flak jacket and a helmet and told to get ready to fly. And now I was waiting for that flight, which would take me to Germany, and then to a base in Kuwait. From there, I’d be crossing the border into Iraq and hauling supplies to our troops. I’d be riding in convoys through hostile territory, sleeping behind the wire in our bases and camps throughout the country, and then heading back to Kuwait to do it all over again.
The pay was good — eighty to ninety grand, tax free. Don’t think that wasn’t an incentive. I had struggled financially all my life. I had been on welfare. I had even given up custody of my three darling boys because I couldn’t provide for them. They had been living with their father, my first ex-husband, for years now. Compared to that decision — to give up my kids, my world — going to Iraq was easy.
But I wasn’t going to Iraq for the money. I wish it was that simple.
Some of my friends said I should back out now, before I got on that airplane. Some of them didn’t say that, but I could tell that’s what they were thinking.
How was I going to do this? I was leaving behind the people I love, going overseas for the first time in my life at age thirty-seven. I’d spent my entire adult life with somebody, be it a friend, a lover, or a husband. I was never truly alone.
But now I was, alone in an airport with strangers who would board the airplane with me. We all were heading for a war zone, to drive trucks in one of the most dangerous places in the world.
While I became friendly with some of my new colleagues, they weren’t my old friends, the friends who saw me through three marriages, through the birth of my boys. Maybe I’d get to know these new friends even better once we were in Iraq. Or maybe I’d never see them again, or only in passing. Maybe some of them wouldn’t make it back alive. While we were training and waiting in Houston, a Halliburton employee was shot and killed in Iraq. Some of the people I was training with knew him well. In fact, he had recruited them. Several of them went home when they got the news.
It was time to call my boys. Kenneth Wayne was nineteen, Ian Douglas was seventeen, and Steffan Nicholas was fifteen. I had all three of them before I was twenty-three years old. I tried so hard to make a home for them after my husband, Ken, and I split up for good. We lived in Arkansas, and I worked as a waitress, I worked in a chicken processing plant, and when I had to, I went on welfare. I hated that, but I had to do it.
But one terrible day when the boys were six, four, and two, I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.
After months of juggling jobs, getting very little sleep, and trying to be the best mom I could be, things seemed to be looking up. It was the beginning of the month, so my food stamps had come in. I went out shopping and bought enough to fill the freezer and the kitchen. We’d have enough to get us through the month.
The next morning, I woke up when I heard some strange noises in the kitchen. The boys were giggling, and I could hear them banging pots and pans. What were they up to?
I got out of bed and went toward all the noise. And there, in the kitchen, were my three beautiful boys, and a month’s worth of food scattered all around. “Look, Mommy,” Kenny said. “We made you breakfast.”
Almost every bit of food in the house was ruined. I had no way to feed them for a month. I had nothing!
The poor kids — they were expecting me to smile and laugh, but I couldn’t fake it. I was so furious I had to walk out of the apartment — if I stayed in that kitchen, I was afraid I’d hurt the boys.
I wanted to die, right then and there. I couldn’t do this anymore. I was messing up my life, and theirs.
My boys were all I had in the world. They kept me going. They made me smile when smiles were hard to come by. They were my reason for living.
But now I had no way to feed them for a month. It occurred to me that I might be doing them more harm than good by having them live with me. I couldn’t take care of myself, never mind my children. So I called my ex-husband, Ken, and asked him to take the boys. I figured my life was ending — my body just hadn’t figured it out yet.
Ken agreed, and said he’d have his parents come over to pick them up. My ex in-laws arrived soon afterward, and they packed the boys and their bags into their van. It was horrible — the worst day of my life. Kenny, who was six, realized what was happening and he started screaming when he got into the van. It ripped out my heart. It took all my strength and determination not to run after them, gather them up in my arms, and tell them that we’d never be apart.
But I couldn’t do it.
I had decided the boys would be better off with their father, who lived in Helena, Arkansas. I get teary-eyed even now, fifteen years later, when I think about that day. I can still hear Kenny screaming as he left. My former in-laws took them away in their van, and my heart broke.
I called them from the airport, and I asked them one last time if they were okay with my going to Iraq. My friends couldn’t talk me out of it, but my boys could have. But they all said they supported my decision, and that they loved me. I’m not sure how long I cried after I hung up, but it was a good long while. What if I didn’t make it home? How would they handle that?
I had to put that possibility out of my mind. I would be coming back. I had to come back.
Then it was time to make one last call: to my third ex-husband, Bill. Nine months earlier, Bill had tried to kill me in a motel room in Ogden, Utah. He put his hands around my throat and tried to choke me. Somehow I got free and called the cops, and Bill was put briefly in jail. And, damn it, I still loved him.
We were both truck drivers, and our marriage had been filled with all kinds of conflict. But I believed he loved me. I tried to leave him, but I couldn’t — until now.
I dialed his number, and he picked up. He did his best to tell me I shouldn’t go. He wanted to know if I really had to go halfway around the world — to a war — to get away from him. As much as I wanted to tell him the truth, I lied. I told him I wasn’t trying to get away from him.
I knew he’d never get over the guilt if I got killed and he thought it was because I was trying to get away from him. I knew that somehow, he still loved me, just like I loved him.
Just like when we were married, I wound up trying to support him. Here I was going to a place where I might get shot, where I could die, and I ended up being supportive of Bill, instead of the other way around.
But I knew I had to go. I had to get him out of my system. If I didn’t, I would die — maybe not physically, but spiritually, and I don’t know which would be worse.
I said good-bye, and I hung up the phone. It was time to board the plane. Next stop: Germany, followed by Kuwait City.
As my plane approached the Middle East, the pilot got on the public address system and told us which country we were flying over. That’s when all of this became real to me — I had really left Arkansas, I had really left my kids and my friends and Bill and my life as I knew it. I was about to enter another country, another culture. I was nervous and excited at the same time.
The plane made an arc over the Persian Gulf. I could see the twinkling of colorful lights in the distance. It was an unexpected sight, like seeing flowers in a desert.
What in all hell was I doing here?
If there’s a war on, you can be pretty certain that somebody in my family is in the middle of it. My great-grandfather on my mother’s side fought in World War I. His daughter, my maternal grandmother, served in the Women’s Air Corps as a flight instructor during World War II. Her brothers — my great-uncles — fought in Korea, and his grandson, my mother’s brother, fought in Vietnam. My brother joined the Navy in 1987, which actually gave my mother a sense of relief. She figured he was safe because he was on a submarine. You can’t get a sub to Iraq, she said. But her relief turned to dread when my oldest son joined the Army not long after 9/11.
And then, in August of 2003, I told her that I was on my way to war, too. I signed up with a subsidiary of Halliburton — Kellogg, Brown and Root, or KBR. I wasn’t necessarily following in the tradition of other family members, in the sense that I wasn’t joining the military. But I was going to a war all the same, and I would be part of the largest deployment of civilian contractors in any war, anywhere.
Yes, I would be well paid for the work, and if I could do it for a few years, I’d be financially secure for the first time in my life. I’d be able to buy my own truck, instead of constantly leasing one.
I wanted to serve my country, too. I told my family that I was going to Iraq so I could help the troops, just like somebody else might help my son if he found himself in Iraq as well.
Ultimately, though, I just had to get away. From Bill. From my old life. I knew that once I set foot in the Middle East, I would never be the same person again. And that was exactly what I wanted.
Copyright © 2006 by Cindy Morgan
