Life is an adventure, so live it to the fullest.
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They say timing is everything. So why is it that when so many things seem to be working, that some times, the timing really just sucks on others? Is it really the timing? Or is it that we are just so attached to some things or set in our ways, that we are not willing to give them up to make the others work? How important is love in our scale of things that are important? Or what about where we live? What about our health? Can we give up one and be happy with only the others?
I have found that some times in life we have to make a decision as to what is important to us and if we are willing to give it up for something else. One day I may say to myself that I am not willing to give one thing up for another. Then when I loose that other thing, I wonder if that was the right thing to do.
We are taught from a young age that we should strive to have it all, the house, the car, the job, and love. Some people say you can’t have it all and others say you can. So who do ya believe? And if you do decide to go for it all, how do ya get it?
How do ya get everything ya want in life and love, if ONE thing keeps standing in the way? You can’t give up that one thing because without it, you know that you would not be happy. But what if you did give up one for the other, would you regret it later?
After facing death several times and getting that last flash look of my life, I found that there was regret there. I decided that I no longer wanted to regret anything or any decision that I made in my life ever again. For the most part I have succeeded in that. I have lived life to the fullest that I possibly can and enjoyed every minuet of it. I have made decisions, some good, some bad, and stuck with them, never looking back, knowing it was the right thing for me. I have let other things go, felt the pain of it, and told myself that the timing was just not right for it to happen now. I regret none of these decisions. But today, I had to face making a decision that I know will leave me wondering tomorrow, what if…..
Ok guys and gals, Here is the first rose bloom of the season in my rose garden.
Being down and out for the last 4 months has been driving me NUTS! Since I have gotten the pins and external fixators out of my wrists I have been trying to do things around my yard and work on my motorcycle. Slowly I am being able to do a few more things, but at the end of the day, I hurt and regret getting out there and doing them.
Today was the “Blessing of the Bikes” in Gautier, MS and my wrists are really not ready for be to be out riding my motorcycle. So, I had to distract myself with something. I did that with my rose garden around my American Flag. This is what I started with…..
It took several hours to get to this point…..
That is half of the Weed-X fabric laid out. This wind was blowing pretty good and I had to shovel some of the mulch on top to hold it down. I had to take a break. My wrists and hands started to hurt.
The above picture is all the fabric laid out and just enough mulch on t to keep it all from blowing off.
Here is the somewhat finished product…..
I started at 0800 this morning and just finished it about half an hour ago, 8 hours later. I am hurting like hell and very tired. I wish I could have taken two days to get it done, I think my wrists would hurt less. But I am happy to see it finished. Well, it still needs a little more mulch and the fence needs to be straightened up some, but for today……I am done! And I am proud of it!!
Breaking a cycle or bad habit in your life is not an easy thing to do. As we get older we get more and more set in our ways. Between the job, our hobbies, friends and just trying to live life, we seem to fall into a routine that works for tending to all these needs. As different friends float in and out of our life or a change in our hobbies, job or geographical location happens, we adjust our daily life routines. It could be something as simple as we have to get up and hour earlier to get to work because we have to find a different route due to something going on with the roads. Or maybe there is a show on TV that we “just can’t miss” and need to go straight home from work or adjust our bedtime to make sure we see it. But then again it could be something a bit bigger like a friend is going through a very difficult time in their life and needs our strong shoulders to lean on. As their friend, we feel that we have to be there for them no matter what, because that is what friends are for, and you may need them to do the same for you one day. As life goes on, there are changes in our routine that have to be made, big or small, weather we like it or not.
We are creatures of habit and routine. We like the comfortable feeling of knowing what we are going to do and when we are going to do it. Spontaneity is not a quality that everyone has. Yes, once in a while we may do something that is out of our habit, routine and character, but for the most part many of us get stuck in a rut and either don’t know it, or can’t find a way to get out of it.
But what about the big questions that come along in life and want to interfere with our routine. Do we get stagnant in our life and become that boring old person down the street that the 20 & 30 somethings hope they will never become? As years pass by, do we give up our hopes or dreams believing that they are for the young and life has settled in on us so much that it would be to much of a shock to our system if we went for it? If we are single and have been for several years, do we get so set in our ways and routine that it makes it hard to have a relationship with someone beyond friendship?
I am sitting here this morning, looking out my front window at the American Flag in my front yard. Each night I do the same for a few minutes. I have lights out on it so I can leave it up at night. They are LED lights and it give the flag an eerie, almost ghostly glow as it waves in the wind. I can’t explain why I take a few minutes each morning and evening to just look at it, but I do. Maybe it is what is means to me and my family that I take that little bit of time each day to be thankful that it is the American flag waving in my front yard and not some other.
But right now, due to some things going on in my life and my son’s life, I feel compelled to share with ya’ll part of our story that you may not have heard before.
As many of you know, my oldest son, Kenny, got out of the Army last October. He and I were in Iraq at the same time in 2005, him a soldier and me a civilian truck driver. We are both home now, but I believe that nether of us have totally left Iraq behind. He deals with PTSD and I, well I deal with my own stuff and try to help him with his.
Kenny wanted to be in the Army since he was old enough to walk and talk. My brother served 14 years in the Navy, my Uncle is a Vietnam Veteran, my Mammaw a WWII Vet, several of my great uncles WWII and Vietnam Vets. I could go on, but you get the idea. My family still teaches that service to our Country is one of the most honorable things a man or woman can do in their lifetime.
Kenny joined the Arkansas National Guard and went to basic between his junior and senior years of high school. In March of 2004, his senior year, his unit was deployed to Iraq. It bothered him that he was not shipping with them and no matter what everyone told him, he quit school in hope that he would get to join them sooner. He got his GED, but didn’t get to do his AIT till that fall. That made him angry. He felt he should be there standing side by side with his brothers and sisters in arms.
In September 2004, he graduated AIT and shipped to Iraq to join his unit in December. Between September and December he and I had many talks about Iraq. I tried to educate my son as much as could from my first hand experience as a civilian truck driver there even thought I knew his experience as a soldier would be some-what different.
Not long after he got to Taji, I received an IM from him. The camp was under heavy mortar attack almost on a daily basis. He asked me how I dealt with that when I was there. I wasn’t sure how to respond. This was my son, but yet, he was a soldier, so what do I say? How so I help him without hurting him? Do I talk to him as my son, or as a soldier? Right or wrong, I decided that being the mom at that time would hurt more than help. So I told him, “Everyone deals with it in their own way. But if you listen, you will be able to tell which are inbound and which are outbound.” He then asked me how to tell the difference. I told him that I couldn’t exactly explain that to him in an IM. “Just listen and you will figure it out.” They got hit with another mortar at that time and the internet went down.
In March of 2005 his unit came home, but he stayed. We had talked about his decision several times. I remember the phone call very well. “Mom, I hope you are not mad, but I have made my mind up. I am going to volunteer to stay when my unit comes home. It doesn’t make sense for me to only be here 3 months when everyone else has had to do a year.” I was not mad. How could I be mad at him for doing something that I wanted to do. Yes, I was home at the time, but I wanted back over there so bad I could taste it. For me, hauling supplies to our troops has been the most fulfilling job I have EVER had!
He was moved to Baghdad to Camp Victory and his mood changed. That is also when he told me that if I wanted to go back to work over there, I could. When he went in December, he had asked me to stay home. He said that he didn’t want to have to be worrying about me on the roads of Iraq while he was on them himself. He didn’t want to pull up to an ambushed convoy and worry that it would be one of my convoys. I could understand his feelings. We had talked many times about our being there at the same time and how we both felt about it. The mom in me and the civilian contractor that wanted to support the troops were at odds with each other for those months that he asked me to stay home.
I got to see Kenny a couple of times in BIAP during the summer of 2005. It was great, scary, and many other emotions I can’t put words to right now. But I remember meeting him by the DEFC that first time at 0200. He stepped out of the Humvee carrying his M16. Walked over to me and gave me a hug, a very LONG hug. Then he stepped back, crossed his arms and said, “Well mom, we are even. I have been shot at too!” My breather caught in my throat, and I think my heart skipped a beat. What do I say, how do I react?! Once again, something inside me knew that I could not totally be the mom. so we shared our war stories like we would have if we were not related, or not in Iraq. Later that day we were sitting outside the PX in my truck. Kenny looked at me and said, “Your treating me like you would any other soldier aren’t you?” I told him yes. That I had to, for him and for me. He sad that he understood, but I still felt like crap for it.
Kenny came home in September 2005 and I came home in May 2006. Many times between that first meeting in Baghdad and a few months ago, Kenny would tell me that I could not understand what he went through because I was JUST a civilian contractor and he was a soldier. That I needed to quit telling him that I understood what he was going through or went through. I learned to reword things so as to keep him talking to me.
Last February my cell phone rang. It was Kenny. He was falling apart. His wife had left him, he was forced out of the Army because of his PTSD and was extremely depressed. We talked for a while and the more we talked, but more scared I got. I could hear the signs of suicide in his voice. I wanted to help him but didn’t know how. Then a few hours later he called again. He said that he had called the VA’s suicide hot line. I was in Texas on my way back from delivering a load to California. I asked him if he wanted me to come to Temple and go to the VA the next morning with him. I know that may sound funny, my asking, but he didn’t want my help in the months before. His wife had been trying to put a wedge between the two of us for a long time and he had resisted me so very hard, I was doing everything that I could to hold on to my son. so when he said that he needed me, it didn’t matter if my company was OK with my driving out of route to be there for him or not. They could just fire me if they felt they needed to. I called my boss, told him what was happening and where I was going.
I am very lucky that I have a boss that supports our troops almost as much as I do. He had no problem with my detour. He also didn’t have a problem with me putting Kenny on the truck and bringing him home with me. My boss has been very supportive through it all!
Kenny has been going to the VA in Biloxi just about every week since he got here. They changed his medication once and now are only seeing him every two weeks. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Kenny never sleeps a night through without getting up at least once. Some nights are worse than others. Some days are better than others. The one thing good out of this is I have my son back. He has learned that I DO understand what he went through over there better than he first thought. We both know the symptoms of PTSD and because of that, better understand the others weird thoughts, feelings and reactions. We can call each other on it and not get our feelings hurt. We both understand each other. Our ways of dealing with what we each experienced in Iraq are different, but we are both getting better. I wonder some times if the fact that I was 38 when I first went to Iraq, has helped me better deal with it all better then his being 19. Does being older, more mature, having lived more of life, help me deal with that kind of stuff better? Does having nearly being strangled to death by my no ex-husband help me deal with it better? Or does it help me hide it better?
I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers to the many questions I have floating in my head. One thing I did realize about a week ago, while we were doing an interview with a reporter from the VFW magazine, is that my son and I are better then some because we have each other. Because we have someone that understands what we are going through. Because we have someone close that knows what that flag in my front yard means, not only to each other, but to our Country.
Last week was a hard week. I tried to work, but things didn’t go as I planed. Monday was an easy day just doing local stuff. And as happens often with local runs, I spent most of the day on one load. Tuesday was a bit harder and I didn’t make it through the day. My boss said that he was going to have me run back and forth to the ship yard picking up loaded trailers and bringing them back to our yard. I knew all that strapping, chaining, climbing up and down off the loads was going to be heard for me. All that physical activity would set me to hurting, so I called my son down to ride with me and give me a hand. I made two rounds and was done for. I was in pain and my son told me to tell my boss that I was in pain or he would. so when we got to the office and my boss asked me if I was going to make it, I told him I didn’t think so. He told me to not worry about it and go on home.
Thursday morning was spent getting poked with needles doing blood work, an EKG and an x-ray. I was told to be at the hospital at 0730 to get ready for my surgery. Course that mean nothing to eat after midnight and no breakfast the next morning. Fun, fun!
Friday morning my son drove me to the hospital and I was admitted. I changed into their little hospital gown that we all hate and waited. My doctor and several other medical persons came in to tell me about this and that and how things would go.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a room, hurting, and someone telling me that the surgery went fine. I am not sure when I asked if they left my ovaries or not, but when I did, I was told that they had to take one of them out. It had a bad cyst on it and the doctor said it was best to take it out. So I did end up with and incision on the lower abdomen.
The good thing is I was sent home the next day, Saturday. I have 4 different pain medications that treat 4 different kinds of pain and one antibiotic. I am sore and staying doped up on the pain meds. My son and Dad are being great helpers and also putting the required boot in the tail, when I try to do to much. Course anything other than laying on the couch is doing to much for at least a week.
I want to thank Idaho Hunter, Kenneth, Marty and all the other that sent flowers, teddy bears, cards, emails, text messages and phone calls to check in on me to wish me well. You guys are all great and I am a very lucky person to have so many friends to keep my mind busy as I sit here in the house going crazy because I am not allowed to do anything.
I love ya all!
I saw the doctor yesterday. I have what they call a prolapsed uterus. I does cause me a little pain when I am on my feet for very long or do any heavy lifting. I am trying to continue working, but not do any heavy lifting, that isn’t easy pulling a flatbed. I wanted to get this done as soon as possible so I can get on with my life, but the first date she had open in April 25th. So I am set for surgery on the 25th here in Lucedale, MS and will be in the hospital for a few days. I will then be off work for at least 4 weeks, maybe more. She told me that am to do no heavy lifting for a month after that. So depending on how I feel and what the doctor says, I could be out longer. She didn’t really understand what I do for a living. She got that I am a truck driver, but not what pulling a flatbed entails….till I told her. That is when she told me that I could be out of work longer.
The good news is that should be ready to ride my bike the 3200 miles round trip to Sturgis the last week of July. I should be released and able to do some short riding by Memorial Day. That was also good news since the Gulf Port Blow Out is that weekend and I don’t want to miss out on it. I am going to miss Thunder Beach in Panama City, but I can deal with that as long as I can make Sturgis.
Someone in my family will let ya’ll know how I came through that surgery and when I will be home and on the internet to answer any emails. But that is 3 weeks away. Till then, I will keep on truckin’!
As most of ya’ll already know, I am going to be having surgery soon. I wanted to wait and write this post after I see the doctor again tomorrow, but with all the messages, emails, phone calls, and my feelings, I felt I needed to go ahead and write this to get some of it out.
I think it is hard on everyone when they realize that they are getting older. I joke around and tell people that my body may be 43 years old, but my mind still believes that it is in it’s 20′s, well, maybe the 30′s. Either way, being in my 40′s has not been so bad till now. I have noticed that I have slowed down on a few things, but I know that is not all due to getting older, it is partly due to the major changes in my life over the last 5 years. I have realized that life should be enjoined to the fullest possible. And I have tried to do that. I learned to scuba dive and ride a motorcycle, two things I have always wanted to do. I have a good life for the most part. I have my own place, good friends for the most part, and am planning to live out another dream by going to Sturgis later this year. Things are going good.
Then two weeks ago I noticed a problem, female problems. I wont go into all the details, but let me say that my Mom was scared that if I didn’t go to a doctor real quick, I was playing with my life. So when I got home, I refuse to go to a doctor while out on the road, went to the after hours clinic. The lady I saw there was a FNP, nurse practitioner. She told me that their wasn’t anything she could do for me right then and had me come back the following Monday. It was the night before Good Friday and most everything was closed the next day.
Last Monday I saw her in her office. She had some blood drawn and did the usual female exams. As she was doing the pap, she told me that she could tell what my problem was. The uterine muscles were not holding the uterus up life it should. She said that I am going to need a partial hysterectomy. I was afraid she was going to tell me that. I had thought about it all weekend. I asked her how quick I could get it done, because I needed to be healed up so that I could make a 1600 mile motorcycle ride to Sturgis at the end of July. I was told to see another doctor and that recovery time should only be about 4 weeks. I told her that was good because I have a physically demanding job, I pull a flatbed, and that I have a life to live and I don’t want to be taken out of it too long.
I have those feelings but I also have some more depressing feelings. I am not scared of going under the knife, heck, I had a tummy tuck back in 2006. But, to know that I am looseing a part of what makes me a woman, that is a different story. I know, I know, silly thought! But it is there. Heck, it is hard enough for me to find a man that isn’t scared of me, or wants to try to change me into being “more like a woman” now. What is going to happen when I loose part of what physically makes me a woman!? Am I going to change? Is who I am going to change? And will it make how men see me different? I know, ths all sounds silly and very superficial, but really! Do other women that go through this have these feelings?
I try to remind myself of the positive that will come out of this. First off, I will not be in danger of looseing my life. Second, I wont have to deal with the monthly female crap any more!! Whoo hoo!! Maybe I will feel better over all as well. All this I wont know till I have the surgery.
I am to see the doctor Monday afternoon, I will know more then. One thing I do know, I am going to press this doctor to get this surgery done ASAP. I want to be healed and back on the motorcycle as sson as I can. I need to do some hard riding before I go to Sturgis. That is a long trip and I ahve never been on a motorcycle trip that long before. AND, I want to get a refresher course on my scuba diving. The weather here on the Mississippi Gulf Coast is starting to get warmer. Riding and diving weather is here and I don’t want to miss out on too much of it. I just hope that I am the same, love the same things and life as much after as I do now!
Everyone knows Carl P and the P Team. Many of his long time listeners from the Nashville area use to call in all the time as say how happy they were to find him on air again. Many drivers would call in and talk about what ever was going on in their lives, cry on his shoulder, get feedback from other drivers, and support to get through the day. He had a true open forum where any one could talk about any thing they wanted. The subject could change in a heart beat. It was fun and informative.
But Carl P is gone now from our Sirius airways and it is a very sad day. Many have emailed and called me asking me what the real reason is that he is gone. No one has told them why, just that it was mutual. Well, I don’t think it was. I feel that if Sirius had not told him that he couldn’t play music any more and that he could only talk about trucks, that he would still be on the air. The Road Dogs channel has changed their format throughout all the shows. I don’t know if everyone else has noticed it, but a few of us have.
And where the hell is the Rig Rocker! Where has the music gone? Yes, I know he is over on Outlaw Country, but why isn’t there any music on the Road Dog channel any more!
So if you are like Chainsaw and many others and want Carl P back, even if he is on a different channel, & the Rig Rocker back on the Road Dog channel, contact Sirius’ customer service at:
Customer Service Email
1-888-539-SIRIUS (7474)
SIRIUS Satellite Radio
1221 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Please email them and tell them what ya’ll think of the new show that took Carl’s place and the format changes throughout the channel. Also please remember, I am just a driver like the rest of ya’ll. I really don’t have an inside line to what is happening on the channel. They cut me off and block me like the others when they think I am calling in to much. So please, email or call them and ask them to tell you what is going on or to complain.
I love meeting and talking to all you guys. So stay in touch as best as possible. With the censorship that is going on now, I don’t know if ya’ll will hear from me to much or that I will hear ya’ll.
OK, how many of you out there know ALL of the words to our National Anthem? Well, I do! And I proved it today on “The Loading Dock“. “The Loading Dock” is the morning show on Sirius Radio on the Road Dog channel. They talk about trucking industry news and issues, but also touch on other topics. Today they asked the question I just asked. Can you sing all of the words to our National Anthem?
What is happening to our Country that we have so many people out there that don’t know these words? It is sung at sporting events and I know everyone has been to a football, basketball or baseball game in their life! Heck, it is broadcast nation wide on every game that hits the TV. I know that NASCAR fans may think it ends with “Gentlemen, start your engines”, but gees, what about the words. OK, I will cut ya’ll a little slack. How many of you know most of the words?
How many times have you been to an event that when the National Anthem is played or sung, and you notice that most of the people around you are just mumbling something incoherent! Do you do that? Or are you like me and stand up, put your hand over your heart and sing every last word for all to hear? OR, are afraid of bringing attention to yourself, and even though you know the words, you just sing it softly or mumble them?
WHY!?!
Please forgive me for my indignation here. Shouldn’t EVERY American know our National Anthem? For me it is pride in my Country and love of my Country that I make sure that I never forget these words! What about you?
