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I have a Philosophy class that, at times, brings up things that I have not allowed myself to think about in a long time and some of the readings touch me very deeply. I realize that the purpose of the class it to open the mind to new thoughts and ideas, and for us to apply these lessons to our own lives, but some times it is not easy for me. Being one of the older students in the class and having experienced twice the “life” as most of my other class mates, I know I bring a different perspective to the discussions. Prof Morgan has told me and the class time and again that he enjoys my being in the class for that very reason. But at times, I wonder if I should keep my mouth shut, more because of how talking about it will affect me rather than how it will the class.
The reading we have for Monday’s class is from Philip Hallie’s essay “From Cruelty to Goodness.” In the essay Hallie demonstrates several types of good and evil, cruelty and kindness. He also states that good or kindness does not always negate the evil or cruelty. As he goes on he talks about the French town of Le Chambon during WWII and how they risked their lives to saved 6,000 Jews from the Nazis. At the end of the text he tells the story of a woman that was at one of his lectures. At the end of the lecture a woman stood and asked him if the Le Chambon he was talking about was in the Department of Haute-Loire? When he told he yes, it was, she said, “Then you have been speaking about the village that saved all three of my children.”
The following is from my text book, “The Moral Life” by L. Pojman & L Vaughn.
She then asked to come up and say one sentence. There was not a sound, not even breathing, to be heard in the room. She came to the front of the room and said, ” The Holocaust was a storm, lighting, thunder, wind, rain, yes. And Le Chambon was the rainbow.”
In this class Prof Morgan requires us to pick 10 of the 35 readings to write a one page paper on. The first half should be a recap of what we read. (so he knows we read it.) And the second half is to be our thoughts and feelings about the text. We are to apply it to our own lives as well. The following is what I wrote in the second half of my paper.
I agree that in many instances, the good in the midst of the evil can make the evil far worse. Having been in two abusive marriages and been sexually assaulted while in Iraq, I know about physical and mental pain. Abuse is abuse. Mine is in no way on the scale of the Holocaust but the basic principles are the same. Just as the Jews were told they were going into a shower that was really a gas chamber, I too had my own chamber of death. In a vicious cycle of abuse and love, a person learns what is ok and what is not. To keep from experiencing the pain, mental or physical, you go out of your way to make sure you do the right things at the right time. When you find that it was not “good enough” and you have to suffer the pain again, you reprimand yourself for NOT being “good enough”. Over and over as this cycle progresses, the abuser gains more and more power over you till you do not know how to function without the pain. You begin to believe that you are the “bad” person and that they are the “good” one. Your self-worth decreases to the point that the abuse is what defines you as a person and gives meaning to your life. When this happens over and over again with, different people wielding the power, you set yourself up as a victim for the world. You become the door mat that they wipe their feet upon.
But once in a while a person is lucky enough to run across someone that is truly compassionate in heart. They help you pick yourself back up, dust you off, set you on your feet and stand beside you whispering in your ear that you are “good enough”, that you can break deaths grip on your soul, if only you will believe in yourself. That is what the town of Le Chambon did for the children. The woman that Hallie talked about at the end of the reading that only wanted to say one sentence summed this up very well. In stating that Le Chambon was the rainbow, she is saying that they gave them hope; hope that the pain would end, hope for a better life, and the reassurance that they are worthy of both. Without that, we never are able to dust off the residue left from the abuses we have suffered and will most absurdly allow ourselves to be over-powered by another. In the end, we are walking our own death walk to the chamber. Our spirit dies, our will dies, our soul dies, and all we have left to wait for, is for our body to die.
As I said in the beginning of this post, many times what we read in this class touches me very deeply. I don’t always know what to do with those feelings, because for me, showing them or talking about them leaves me open to attack. It is such a deeply touching subject it leaves me open to be hurt by those that I trust enough to talk with about it. I realize through many of the things I have read in this class that I have come a very long way from being that 2 time abused wife that I was many years ago. I have taken back my power from my abusers. But I have also realized, that in some small ways, I still give power, to hurt me, to those that I care about. Is that avoidable? I don’t think so. For to truly never give anyone the power to hurt you would mean to totally shut yourself off from everyone. My, my, wouldn’t that be a very lonely, pathetic life? So I guess I will take the risk and care enough about someone to give them a LITTLE power. Because loving someone means to trust them to not misuse the power you give them over you.
Some times we have to take a step back to move forward. A few weeks ago I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend, the one that got me into trucking, through facebook and made plans to ride to Dover, AR to see him and some other friends. I was not sure how things were going to go. He and I have not seen or talked to each other in about 15 years. But as ya’ll know me, I have never let a little fear stop me from doing much of anything. So, I packed my bike and rode to Arkansas for my spring break.
He hasn’t changed much, like me, he is older and wiser. The thing that has struck me as a bit odd, is the feeling I have that I have coming home. I may have grown up in DeWitt, AR, and I only lived in this area for about 10 years, but coming here feels more like home than DeWitt ever has. I have forgotten more about the area than I remember, but what I remember is great!I realize that I am not that naive, 20 something, redneck gal any more. Oh, she is still partly there and it didn’t take long for the redneck part to come back out when we went up in the hills to do some riding on the ATV. As soon as I saw the first mud whole I was ready for us to pile off in it! I was just pissed that my wrists are messed up and I was stuck on the back!
Riding in the pick-up with Danny as we idled along the narrow trail brought back memories of deer hunting in this area and how I wouldn’t let any thing stand in my way of being out there on the opening day of deer season. Or how we would go out riding like that just to find a creek to go swimming in.
The yesterday I took a ride on the Harley up AR HWY 7 to Jasper. I remember my first trips across that rode back when I was learning to drive a big truck. Pea soup fog in the mornings and at night that was so thick that I would have to stand up in that old cab-over to see the road in front of me. Feeling the adrenaline rush from concurring Jasper mountain when I would finally find a place to stop for a rest was great. Oh how I would laugh, back then, at people that said that they would do everything they could to avoid that road. I think at one point I could have driven it in my sleep, and probably did a time or two.
I miss living here and the friends I had here and I have missed Danny. We have had some long talks and are getting to know each other again and it is great. I think we have both found that there have always been feelings for the other still there. And as life some times has it, there really isn’t much either of us can do about it right now. It is what is it is for now. We will get to know each other and try to make some time to see each other once in a while and let the chips fall where they may. At the very least, I will have a great friend out this and a person can never have to many really good friends.
But coming back here after so long has been good for me. I have experienced so much since I left here. I have been married and divorced twice, been to Iraq three times, written a book about it, hope to have a movie made out of that book soon, and I have grown up a lot. So many times I have been afraid that, because of the injury to my wrist, I would go back to being the person that I was before I went to Iraq. Or I have cast aside a guy I had been out on a date with because I was scared that he would drag me back into being that person again. This time here has shown me that I was not as bad a person as I thought I was. Yea, I was messed up, but there were some really good parts of me then. Maybe it would not hurt for SOME of that redneck gal to creep back into who I am now.
Posted 4 months, 2 weeks ago. Add a comment
SONY MASTERWORKS SIGNS 4TROOPS
Young American Veterans Record Debut CD – Available April 20, 2010
Portion Of Proceeds Benefit Veteran-Related Charities
New York – January 26, 2010 – Sony MASTERWORKS announces the signing of 4TROOPS. Their debut self-titled CD will be available on April 20th with a portion of the proceeds from the sales to benefit veteran-related charities.
4TROOPS are United States combat veterans – three young men and one woman who served on the front lines in Iraq and Afghanistan. While overseas, music played a crucial and very personal role in all of their lives. They would sing at everything from large military events to more intimate settings, where they would jam in their bunk after a long day in the field and try to recall a slice of home. They also used their voices at somber occasions like memorial services, where they would sing to remember those that had been lost. 4TROOPS now come together for a singular purpose: to sing on behalf of all troops, to honor their sacrifices and to create awareness for their needs.
The members of 4TROOPS are: Former Cpt. Meredith Melcher, Former Sgt. Daniel Jens, Staff Sgt. (Ret.) Ron Henry and Former Sgt. David Clemo. Melcher, 29, is the daughter of a retired three-star General. She served as a platoon leader on the front lines in Iraq where she led her troops in the successful ambulance evacuations of hundreds of wounded Americans and Iraqis. Jens, 36, served in Iraq and was most recently stationed at Fort Hood. He joined the army after the events of 9/11. Jens was one of the finalists on “America’s Got Talent.” He was released from the Army at the end of January. Henry, 41, served in the Army for 20 years. He was a transport manager in Iraq with the 101st Airborne Division, and also the leader of an Army singing group “Transportation Express.” Clemo, 30, served on the front lines in Afghanistan providing communications and logistics support for the 18th Airborne Corps. He and Melcher toured together in 2004 with the Army Soldier Show.
The album consists of well-known positive pop and country songs and some new songs. All of the songs take on a special meaning in the context that they are performed by these four combat heroes. The first song is For Freedom, an inspirational patriotic tune written by Matt Moran for his grandfather, a WWII vet. Country star Toby Keith gives his blessing for a new version of his popular and controversial post 9/11 hit Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue to be included on the album with lyrics revised to reflect a 2010 outlook. Another country hit on the album is Galveston, popularized by Glen Campbell. This song made the CMT list of the ten greatest country-western songs of all time. Other tracks include Angel by Sarah McLachlan, Lonestar’s I Am Already There, and a new song written by Victor Hurtado titled Here We’ve Been. The album is produced by Frank Fillipetti (Barbra Streisand, Carly Simon, George Michael, Pavarotti) who produced James Taylor’s Hourglass album which won Fillipetti a Grammy® for Best Pop Album and Best Engineered Album in 1998.
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The group was brought together by veteran Victor Hurtado. He has been part of Army Entertainment for the last 25 years, first as a Soldier and Music Director, and later as the Artistic Director. He is currently the Production Director for the Army Soldier Show. This show was established during WWI in 1918 by Sgt. Israel Beilin, better known as Irving Berlin.
Sony is in the process of finalizing arrangements to donate a portion of proceeds from 4TROOPS projects to one or more veteran-related charities, including the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA). IAVA is the first and largest non-partisan, non-profit for veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. IAVA has more than 180,000 veteran members and civilian supporters nationwide. IAVA was founded by Iraq veteran Paul Rieckhoff, the author of the critically acclaimed book Chasing Ghosts and a nationally-recognized authority on the war in Iraq and issues affecting our troops, military families and veterans at home.
Bob Woodruff, the ABC news anchor who was severely injured in Iraq, conducted the first TV interview with 4TROOPS which aired on Good Morning America (ABC) on Tuesday January 26th. Woodruff is personally invested in creating a better environment for injured troops who return from war. Through The Bob Woodruff Foundation and ReMIND.org, Woodruff’s goal is to provide resources and support to service members, veterans and their families to successfully reintegrate into their communities, in addition to educate the public about the needs of the injured troops and empower people everywhere to take action.
In March 2010, 4TROOPS will tape a concert special at a U.S. Military base for intended airing in the summer on participating PBS stations.
4TROOPS will also embark on an U.S. Military base tour at the end of March followed by a National tour in the fall. Upon hearing of the 4TROOPS, the Motel 6 hotel chain immediately wanted to be involved as a promotional partner and as a first step has generously donated lodging for the group throughout their U.S. Military base tour.
About MASTERWORKS: RCA Red Seal, Sony Classical, deutsche harmonia mundi, MASTERWORKS Broadway and MASTERWORKS Jazz are labels of Sony MASTERWORKS. For email updates and information regarding RCA Red Seal, Sony Classical, deutsche harmonia mundi, MASTERWORKS Broadway and MASTERWORKS Jazz artists, promotions, tours and repertoire, please visit www.sonymasterworks.com.
For more information on 4TROOPS visit www.4TROOPSmusic.com
For more information, please contact:
Angela Barkan / Sony Music Entertainment – Masterworks
212.833.8575 / angela.barkan@sonymusic.com
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Posted 4 months, 3 weeks ago. 2 comments
Many of us have seen the MSM misrepresent or not even report the good things that our military is doing in Iraq. We see TV shows and movies on the big and small screen that stand on either side of the issue. Some are very elaborate and in your face while others are more subtle. The latter was the case in last nights episode of CSI: Miami.
I don’t always watch the show, sometimes I watch “Castle“, so I didn’t know that Cain’s son had enlisted in the Army and been sent to Iraq. At the end of the episode they showed Cain signing into a video conference on his computer. The picture we see on the computer screen is Cain’s son, in battle fatigues and in Iraq. There are the usual parent/child pleasantries and concerns passed from one to another. They could have ended the scene with that, but they didn’t. They go on to have Cain’s son talk about rebuilding the schools and how happy the kids are to have them.
It was a short statement, but for me, very emotional. (I actually had a tear well up in my eyes.) The eloquence and simplicity in which it was done was a thundering message to those that have been there and done that. Even if the rest of the world misses the message, and I don’t think they can, at least those standing the line know that someone knows of the good they are doing and is making an effort to show it.
Posted 5 months, 4 weeks ago. 2 comments
It’s kind of funny some times how things work out in life, weather it is money, job, family or love. Many times I have thought that I am happy with my life just the way it is, and then something happens and I wonder what if…..
Since I have been home recovering from my fall off the flatbed last November, I have made some really great new friends! Out of those new friendships I have seen some great marriages and relationship. (At least that is the way they look from the outside) When I see these friends together and watch how they interact, I think to myself, “Why can’t I have something like that?” Most of the time, I am totally OK with being alone. I don’t have to worry about being lied to, cheated on, or beat on. Some times I wonder if I keep myself single for that very reason.
I have also finally had time to create a Facebook profile. On there I have reconnected with some family, a few high school friends, former contractors I worked with in Iraq, some trucker friends, and made many new friends. It has all been real cool! I have taken some of the crazy and sometimes stupid quizzes on there as well. I don’t take them seriously, they are just fun to see what I will get on the other end and many times it is something to make fun of. But this morning I took one that was called “RAT- Relationship Aptitude Test!” and the result was “You need an exterminator!”
In order to avoid attracting nasty rodents and perilous pests you need a better Rat trap or to stop putting out such big chunks of chees…e~ Most of us are trained and programmed to be externally referenced, we learn that if someone likes us or wants to be with us we have value, in other words if someone wants our cheese we must be worthy of being loved! Here’s a news flash, all Rats eat cheese, they don’t care what kind it is. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are, or smart or how good you are in bed, you are wasting your time. It’s what Rats do. And whoever has the cheese is where they will go. So if you want to be in a relationship with another Rat keep doing what you are doing. If not heed my warning: Learn the difference between a Rat and a two legged, single, healthy, available person who wants a relationship. And don’t worry about all those rats, they will find some more cheese! You just stay out of the gutter and you should be fine
As I said, normally this is just something fun to pass the many hours I have to just sit here and be a couch potato. When I posted my result, I made the comment, “Oh tell me about it! This is why I have been single for so long….my picker is broke and I am trying to fix it!” A friend of mine in TN saw that I had taken the quiz on the news feed and took it herself with a similar result. We kidded back and forth about how we needed to start a “Broke Pickers Club” for those of us that can find the one and only weed in a field of flowers!
As she and I were making these comments back and forth, another friend of mine( I will call her Ms ‘M’) hit me up on the IM. She knew that I had a very special trucker friend (Mr ’X') stopping by and we had a dinner date (I cooked dinner) and she wanted to know how it went. Ms “M’ and I have been through some of the same crappy abusive relationships in our lives and we have a special bond because of it. We know how the other thinks on some things and can give them a kick in the tail when they need it and know we are still going to be friends through it all.
Well, I guess it was my time to get a boot in the a$$! I told her the dinner date was OK. He showed up late, really didn’t want to eat and seemed distant at times. We talked about many things during the evening and some where in there I said to myself, “This isn’t going to work!”, several times. Now to give him the benefit of a doubt, he did tell me on his way in that he was a bit nervous and maybe that was the problem. According to Ms ‘M’, and I quote, “You don’t want to be lied to. You don’t want to be cheated on. You don’t want to be beat on. You don’t want to be told what to do. You don’t want to be taken advantage of. You don’t want to be used. And that is all well and good. BUT… You have your 10 commandments posted on the door and you read them before you let people enter your life. Even though they are common sense. That can be scary to many people.”
As we chatted I thought about this and the quiz and the date. I thought,”What is wrong with knowing what you want and don’t want?” Yes, most of them are common sense. But is it the common sense ones that are scary, or the others that are details of the kind of person I would like to be involved with? You would think that if you knew what you wanted, that it would be easier to find it. BUT that is not the case! Oh yes, it does help a person from picking one weed after another, but I wonder some times if I am also passing up a few flowers in the process. Of course there are those weeds that look like flowers that slip through the weedanator once in a while. Those are the ones that make me step back and take another look at my “10 Commandments” again and wonder why I didn’t see it in the beginning. Those that slip though don’t last as long as they once did, but it does start a person thinking, “My picker is broke! Now how do I fix it?”
Posted 11 months ago. 2 comments
They say timing is everything. So why is it that when so many things seem to be working, that some times, the timing really just sucks on others? Is it really the timing? Or is it that we are just so attached to some things or set in our ways, that we are not willing to give them up to make the others work? How important is love in our scale of things that are important? Or what about where we live? What about our health? Can we give up one and be happy with only the others?
I have found that some times in life we have to make a decision as to what is important to us and if we are willing to give it up for something else. One day I may say to myself that I am not willing to give one thing up for another. Then when I loose that other thing, I wonder if that was the right thing to do.
We are taught from a young age that we should strive to have it all, the house, the car, the job, and love. Some people say you can’t have it all and others say you can. So who do ya believe? And if you do decide to go for it all, how do ya get it?
How do ya get everything ya want in life and love, if ONE thing keeps standing in the way? You can’t give up that one thing because without it, you know that you would not be happy. But what if you did give up one for the other, would you regret it later?
After facing death several times and getting that last flash look of my life, I found that there was regret there. I decided that I no longer wanted to regret anything or any decision that I made in my life ever again. For the most part I have succeeded in that. I have lived life to the fullest that I possibly can and enjoyed every minuet of it. I have made decisions, some good, some bad, and stuck with them, never looking back, knowing it was the right thing for me. I have let other things go, felt the pain of it, and told myself that the timing was just not right for it to happen now. I regret none of these decisions. But today, I had to face making a decision that I know will leave me wondering tomorrow, what if…..
Posted 1 year, 3 months ago. 1 comment
Ok guys and gals, Here is the first rose bloom of the season in my rose garden.
Posted 1 year, 4 months ago. Add a comment
Being down and out for the last 4 months has been driving me NUTS! Since I have gotten the pins and external fixators out of my wrists I have been trying to do things around my yard and work on my motorcycle. Slowly I am being able to do a few more things, but at the end of the day, I hurt and regret getting out there and doing them.
Today was the “Blessing of the Bikes” in Gautier, MS and my wrists are really not ready for be to be out riding my motorcycle. So, I had to distract myself with something. I did that with my rose garden around my American Flag. This is what I started with…..
It took several hours to get to this point…..
That is half of the Weed-X fabric laid out. This wind was blowing pretty good and I had to shovel some of the mulch on top to hold it down. I had to take a break. My wrists and hands started to hurt.
The above picture is all the fabric laid out and just enough mulch on t to keep it all from blowing off.
Here is the somewhat finished product…..
I started at 0800 this morning and just finished it about half an hour ago, 8 hours later. I am hurting like hell and very tired. I wish I could have taken two days to get it done, I think my wrists would hurt less. But I am happy to see it finished. Well, it still needs a little more mulch and the fence needs to be straightened up some, but for today……I am done! And I am proud of it!!
Posted 1 year, 4 months ago. Add a comment
Breaking a cycle or bad habit in your life is not an easy thing to do. As we get older we get more and more set in our ways. Between the job, our hobbies, friends and just trying to live life, we seem to fall into a routine that works for tending to all these needs. As different friends float in and out of our life or a change in our hobbies, job or geographical location happens, we adjust our daily life routines. It could be something as simple as we have to get up and hour earlier to get to work because we have to find a different route due to something going on with the roads. Or maybe there is a show on TV that we “just can’t miss” and need to go straight home from work or adjust our bedtime to make sure we see it. But then again it could be something a bit bigger like a friend is going through a very difficult time in their life and needs our strong shoulders to lean on. As their friend, we feel that we have to be there for them no matter what, because that is what friends are for, and you may need them to do the same for you one day. As life goes on, there are changes in our routine that have to be made, big or small, weather we like it or not.
We are creatures of habit and routine. We like the comfortable feeling of knowing what we are going to do and when we are going to do it. Spontaneity is not a quality that everyone has. Yes, once in a while we may do something that is out of our habit, routine and character, but for the most part many of us get stuck in a rut and either don’t know it, or can’t find a way to get out of it.
But what about the big questions that come along in life and want to interfere with our routine. Do we get stagnant in our life and become that boring old person down the street that the 20 & 30 somethings hope they will never become? As years pass by, do we give up our hopes or dreams believing that they are for the young and life has settled in on us so much that it would be to much of a shock to our system if we went for it? If we are single and have been for several years, do we get so set in our ways and routine that it makes it hard to have a relationship with someone beyond friendship?
Posted 1 year, 4 months ago. 3 comments
I am sitting here this morning, looking out my front window at the American Flag in my front yard. Each night I do the same for a few minutes. I have lights out on it so I can leave it up at night. They are LED lights and it give the flag an eerie, almost ghostly glow as it waves in the wind. I can’t explain why I take a few minutes each morning and evening to just look at it, but I do. Maybe it is what is means to me and my family that I take that little bit of time each day to be thankful that it is the American flag waving in my front yard and not some other.
But right now, due to some things going on in my life and my son’s life, I feel compelled to share with ya’ll part of our story that you may not have heard before.
As many of you know, my oldest son, Kenny, got out of the Army last October. He and I were in Iraq at the same time in 2005, him a soldier and me a civilian truck driver. We are both home now, but I believe that nether of us have totally left Iraq behind. He deals with PTSD and I, well I deal with my own stuff and try to help him with his.
Kenny wanted to be in the Army since he was old enough to walk and talk. My brother served 14 years in the Navy, my Uncle is a Vietnam Veteran, my Mammaw a WWII Vet, several of my great uncles WWII and Vietnam Vets. I could go on, but you get the idea. My family still teaches that service to our Country is one of the most honorable things a man or woman can do in their lifetime.
Kenny joined the Arkansas National Guard and went to basic between his junior and senior years of high school. In March of 2004, his senior year, his unit was deployed to Iraq. It bothered him that he was not shipping with them and no matter what everyone told him, he quit school in hope that he would get to join them sooner. He got his GED, but didn’t get to do his AIT till that fall. That made him angry. He felt he should be there standing side by side with his brothers and sisters in arms.
In September 2004, he graduated AIT and shipped to Iraq to join his unit in December. Between September and December he and I had many talks about Iraq. I tried to educate my son as much as could from my first hand experience as a civilian truck driver there even thought I knew his experience as a soldier would be some-what different.
Not long after he got to Taji, I received an IM from him. The camp was under heavy mortar attack almost on a daily basis. He asked me how I dealt with that when I was there. I wasn’t sure how to respond. This was my son, but yet, he was a soldier, so what do I say? How so I help him without hurting him? Do I talk to him as my son, or as a soldier? Right or wrong, I decided that being the mom at that time would hurt more than help. So I told him, “Everyone deals with it in their own way. But if you listen, you will be able to tell which are inbound and which are outbound.” He then asked me how to tell the difference. I told him that I couldn’t exactly explain that to him in an IM. “Just listen and you will figure it out.” They got hit with another mortar at that time and the internet went down.
In March of 2005 his unit came home, but he stayed. We had talked about his decision several times. I remember the phone call very well. “Mom, I hope you are not mad, but I have made my mind up. I am going to volunteer to stay when my unit comes home. It doesn’t make sense for me to only be here 3 months when everyone else has had to do a year.” I was not mad. How could I be mad at him for doing something that I wanted to do. Yes, I was home at the time, but I wanted back over there so bad I could taste it. For me, hauling supplies to our troops has been the most fulfilling job I have EVER had!
He was moved to Baghdad to Camp Victory and his mood changed. That is also when he told me that if I wanted to go back to work over there, I could. When he went in December, he had asked me to stay home. He said that he didn’t want to have to be worrying about me on the roads of Iraq while he was on them himself. He didn’t want to pull up to an ambushed convoy and worry that it would be one of my convoys. I could understand his feelings. We had talked many times about our being there at the same time and how we both felt about it. The mom in me and the civilian contractor that wanted to support the troops were at odds with each other for those months that he asked me to stay home.
I got to see Kenny a couple of times in BIAP during the summer of 2005. It was great, scary, and many other emotions I can’t put words to right now. But I remember meeting him by the DEFC that first time at 0200. He stepped out of the Humvee carrying his M16. Walked over to me and gave me a hug, a very LONG hug. Then he stepped back, crossed his arms and said, “Well mom, we are even. I have been shot at too!” My breather caught in my throat, and I think my heart skipped a beat. What do I say, how do I react?! Once again, something inside me knew that I could not totally be the mom. so we shared our war stories like we would have if we were not related, or not in Iraq. Later that day we were sitting outside the PX in my truck. Kenny looked at me and said, “Your treating me like you would any other soldier aren’t you?” I told him yes. That I had to, for him and for me. He sad that he understood, but I still felt like crap for it.
Kenny came home in September 2005 and I came home in May 2006. Many times between that first meeting in Baghdad and a few months ago, Kenny would tell me that I could not understand what he went through because I was JUST a civilian contractor and he was a soldier. That I needed to quit telling him that I understood what he was going through or went through. I learned to reword things so as to keep him talking to me.
Last February my cell phone rang. It was Kenny. He was falling apart. His wife had left him, he was forced out of the Army because of his PTSD and was extremely depressed. We talked for a while and the more we talked, but more scared I got. I could hear the signs of suicide in his voice. I wanted to help him but didn’t know how. Then a few hours later he called again. He said that he had called the VA’s suicide hot line. I was in Texas on my way back from delivering a load to California. I asked him if he wanted me to come to Temple and go to the VA the next morning with him. I know that may sound funny, my asking, but he didn’t want my help in the months before. His wife had been trying to put a wedge between the two of us for a long time and he had resisted me so very hard, I was doing everything that I could to hold on to my son. so when he said that he needed me, it didn’t matter if my company was OK with my driving out of route to be there for him or not. They could just fire me if they felt they needed to. I called my boss, told him what was happening and where I was going.
I am very lucky that I have a boss that supports our troops almost as much as I do. He had no problem with my detour. He also didn’t have a problem with me putting Kenny on the truck and bringing him home with me. My boss has been very supportive through it all!
Kenny has been going to the VA in Biloxi just about every week since he got here. They changed his medication once and now are only seeing him every two weeks. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Kenny never sleeps a night through without getting up at least once. Some nights are worse than others. Some days are better than others. The one thing good out of this is I have my son back. He has learned that I DO understand what he went through over there better than he first thought. We both know the symptoms of PTSD and because of that, better understand the others weird thoughts, feelings and reactions. We can call each other on it and not get our feelings hurt. We both understand each other. Our ways of dealing with what we each experienced in Iraq are different, but we are both getting better. I wonder some times if the fact that I was 38 when I first went to Iraq, has helped me better deal with it all better then his being 19. Does being older, more mature, having lived more of life, help me deal with that kind of stuff better? Does having nearly being strangled to death by my no ex-husband help me deal with it better? Or does it help me hide it better?
I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers to the many questions I have floating in my head. One thing I did realize about a week ago, while we were doing an interview with a reporter from the VFW magazine, is that my son and I are better then some because we have each other. Because we have someone that understands what we are going through. Because we have someone close that knows what that flag in my front yard means, not only to each other, but to our Country.
Posted 2 years, 2 months ago. 3 comments
