Just when you think your over it…overcoming being abused
I had an encounter this past week that made me wonder if I was really over being abused or not. I am not going to go into what happened, just to say that it made me start thinking. I never freaked out during the ambushes in Iraq, but on that night, I did. Having been a two time abused wife I have found that I lock the fear feeling down inside me. I don’t allow myself to feel it to much. Maybe that is how I survived all those years staying with my abuser, I don’t know. Through many counseling sessions after the second one tried to choke me to death, I thought I had gotten over it. Yes, I still tense up when someone tries to touch my neck or even in joking, makes a move toward my throat. But for the most part, the nightmares have died down and I don’t wake up gasping for air every night like I use to.
But the other night I felt as if it had just happened. And after I climbed in my truck, I continued to feel scared…. to the point of being paranoid. Several hours later and after talking to my brother and a good friend, I calmed down and I started to think.
I have moved on in my life. My life is better than it was before I went to Iraq. I have bought a house, and have a job that is a good balance between driving and home. My kids are grown and trying to live their own lives. Two of them are living with me for now and looking for jobs. I am getting a chance to know them better and enjoying it. I have my first grand-baby on the way, (even thought I am not old enough to be a grand ma!) I have written a book and the movie based on it, is in the works. My life is good.
But…
I have been out on a few dates with some great guys and some not so great guys. In trying to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake and follow the typical “battered wife” path, I push people away. I look for those red flags that show that they wont fit what standards I have set in my mind or that they might become another abuser. I refuse to allow myself to become the person that I was before going to Iraq. I found out so much about myself and who I am while I was there and since I can home. I am a better, stronger person today.
But this past week, on that night, I didn’t feel that way. I felt like I was that same battered wife that was lucky that she walked out of that hotel room in UT alive. I felt weak, scared, and confused. Many times I have talked to women in the same situation and told them that it gets better in time, that they will learn to get over it in time. But I think I was wrong. I don’t think you ever “get over” being abused. It doesn’t just go away and you are all better.
You just learn to live it.
